I was in a funk I just couldn’t shake. My physical pain began to worsen, I didn’t know what to do. I had recently watched a Byron Katie video that forced me to wake up. I was on autopilot for too long; believing it was a positive autopilot wasn’t helpful, and obviously, I was not as conscious of my thoughts as I should have been.

I tried shifting my thoughts, journaling, performing EFT. I was pulling out all my tools. I was meditating, being still, having gratitude and yet none of it was working the way I needed it to. I began to question…what’s causing this? As my search for answers continued, I reached out to my Spirit Guides, could they help me understand if this was some deep, deep crap that I must experience? While sitting in nature, I asked, “What makes me happy?” Thinking I was clever and hoping that I would shift my focus towards something positive, but the answer surprised me. It scared me. I actually heard, “nothing.” I was panicky and I was digging. My kids! Of course, my kids make me happy, but I still felt emptiness with that answer. My husband! He is supportive and helpful, again I was grasping. My clients! I am beyond blessed to help people realize their beauty on a daily basis, but I was left feeling raw.

Throughout my life, there have been times when I just wanted it all to be over. Not thinking of committing suicide, but wanting life to be done. I never remember feeling the way I was at that moment, never to this extent. My thoughts drifted to a friend who had committed suicide. I wanted to judge this person because I couldn’t understand why. Why had my friend not sought more help? Why couldn’t the thoughts be shifted? I finally had my answer at that moment. This experience gave me a glimpse into someone’s mind that decides suicide is the only answer. It helped me to wrap my brain around the many suicides that happen far too often. It was the weirdest feeling, but at the same time, I knew that I could and I would get out of this. This all happened at the beginning of July; while I had no plans to share it with you, the recent suicide of Chester Bennington, of Linkin Park motivated me to share.

We create stories to understand our experiences. We want to judge suicide. We want to label it so that we can feel better about ourselves. I have witnessed people calling a suicide victim a coward or making fun of the victim out of fear. This doesn’t help anyone. Empathy helps.

This experience forever changed me and now that I am out of it, I know the blessing. I thought that I could relate before, but this new experience created more meaningful empathy for those beautiful souls. I wonder if the intention of the Universe was simply to teach me this so that I would share it. When I communicate with spirits who’ve committed suicide, most of them share the same message, “I didn’t know. I didn’t know that life was supposed to be about the fun and joy. I didn’t know that my priorities were all messed up. I didn’t know that I was spending too much time in my head on stuff that didn’t matter.” Most of them relay that they are pissed that they chose to end their life.

How are you spending your time and energy? Where are your thoughts focused? Are your stories serving you? I am very clear on my role for others. I am clear that I must love and accept myself as I am, but the deeper question that I received from this is, “Who am I to me?” Can you answer that on a deeper level?

*Join me on my Facebook page to hear my response to that question.

Mantra: Who am I to me?